I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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