That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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