Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize