Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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