my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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