he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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