im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
