i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Church boner. Awkwardddd
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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