and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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