So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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