I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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