i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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