Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
