He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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