I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
