I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
