Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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