How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
