I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
