I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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