Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Randomize
