literally had 100 drinks last night.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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