i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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