can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
