Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
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