At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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