my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize