I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
