Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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