I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
