Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
