I wish i was in the wii world.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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