I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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