im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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