watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
