Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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