is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
