every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Randomize
