oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
