she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
