She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
