Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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