Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
