Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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