Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
