3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize