Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I know her cup size but not her name....
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
