AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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