Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
