wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
