What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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