my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
