ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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