You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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