I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
