All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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