so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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