the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
