I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
