sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
