I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
