He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
