I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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