You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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