3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
