I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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