just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
