My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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