the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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