I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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