I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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