Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
