Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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