I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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